


50 Layers of Grey Onions

by CoolestCucumber



Category: David Bowie (Musician), Shrek
Genre: 50 Shades of Grey Parody, 50 Shades of Grey spoof, 50 shades of grey inspired, Anal, Bamboo Chopping Board, Dom/sub, Gay, M/M, Ogre, Onions, bed names, briefly mentions Ziggy Stardust as Jizzy Smutdust, far far away, swamp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 22:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2167131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolestCucumber/pseuds/CoolestCucumber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: David Bowie has just released The Next Day in 2013 (okay not so AU as this did actually happen) and is blindly in love with his Dom of an Ogre (actual 420% AU as this did not ever happen in real life).</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Layers of Grey Onions

**Author's Note:**

> AU (obvi) In which Present-Day or The-Next-Day-era Bowie never met Iman or Iman doesn't exist in this universe. But I love Iman & David a lot so pls don't b hatin'.

David limped and hopped away from The Bedroom into his home-studio. He needed to play his Saxophone to get his mind off his aching anus which had been stretched a while ago to please the love, the ogre of his lyfe, Shrek.

He put on his favourite trousers as it was quite cold and he was wearing his birthday suit as one does when they commence sexual intercourse. His lover had crafted them for a Valentines present -David, in return, had written and performed his hit 2013 track, Valentines Day in admiration of his pants and his general love for the Ogre.  
Swampy coloured with a makeshift fly made of stolen strips of SafeTFirst Velcro from some poor kids school shoes stitched on by Shrek so they waste NO time flopping out David's 100% pure beef love stick.

It all came out with one dreadful rrRRRIIIPP, a sound that they had grown so fond of. So every time they do the do, Shrek's member turns hard as stone and David squirms and shudders. He had this fear that Shrek would one day -accidentally- rrRRRIIIPP off David's yoghurt slinger along with his velcro fly... considering his hands were the size of basketballs. Nonetheless, the sensation was, unbelievable for the both of them. 

In the studio, David was playing some sick beats on his Sax, some contemporary Jazz notes written by some of his favourite Jazz artists like Darude and Linkin Park. Because he was too cool to play anything but Jazz in this BowieEra. In this BowieEra, the 67 year old was well known as JazzMan (Shrek had called him by parody names of his Stage Names for instance in this era, in the bed, he was called Jizz Man. In 1972 he was called to bed by Jizzy Smutdust, etc.) 

Suddenly, two plump green hands lay on his bare shoulders. "Hey lassy, I wasn't done with you ya know... I have physical needs... I have onions that need to be peeled". David had his back turned to him, he was still hurt and replied, barely audible, "you hurt my tooshie", rubbing his bum.

Shrek apologised, "I apologise". The great Ogre then proceeded to leave icy cold kisses along David's neck and the feeling left David with absolutely no control of his nervous system, he dropped his sax and moaned under his breath. 

David's hips started jerking a little at his lovers gesture.

David forgave him, "I forgive you", even though Shrek didnt ask to be forgiven, but nonetheless, he was forgiven by David who forgave him. The not-so-retiree rockstar instantly bent over and pleaded to be fucked. Shrek just pulled out a chopping board and cut up some onions right under David's face which was dripping wet with tears because Shrek was a fucking sadist like that.

After what seemed like 5 agonising minutes, David looked up at the clock; 5 minutes Had past, he thought. And then...

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

They. Did. The. Do in David's Poopychute. 

 

...

Then they lived ~gayly~ ever after, moving to a nice 0.5 storey house in Far Far Away to reproduce. 

~THE END~

**Author's Note:**

> I started working on this brilliant piece in the morning at 2:20AM in the morning!!!!22!2! so pls don't judge to hashly
> 
> inspired by the works of @Shrek @ a03.
> 
> & I've actually never read 50 shAdes of grey lul. and quite frankly, I don't think I ever will.


End file.
